Anonymous said: mediation is a balm for many a things. I too have that exact effect like all the things getting in between being me and who I think I should be evaporate, but I also stop feeling when I meditate. so I do not do it often. I shall try to do it more often. I believe perhaps the chaos is preferred because then I do not have to see, everything, all at once. Then again there is sanctity in clarity, and cleanliness is next to godliness. I'm sorry about your mother, that guys always been shitty...
It’s a different guy.
Your thoughts are scattered and not very clear when you write, Ian. It honestly annoys me.
Aside from my mother, I’ve decided that I’m going to be fixing up my life a bit.
I’m going to start doing yoga again. I’ll be meditating more often. Eating better, drinking more water. Getting enough sleep. Brushing my teeth, showering. All of the simple things— I’ll make sure to keep up with. Most of these are already fine, but I do slack here and there when things get rough. But mostly because I just don’t juggle my emotions and time well enough.
NO MORE PROCRASTINATION WITH SCHOOL. I think that’s the biggest one. Especially with calculus II and history. Cramming 5 weeks worth of information into one or two days is difficult, and I think I got lucky with my history exam yesterday, but I definitely didn’t get lucky with the calc exam from last week. Thankfully, he drops the lowest test score. I’ll do better from here on out. Gonna ace these classes, dammit.
My health and education are my top priorities now. I can find ways to make these things bearable, as long as I keep up with this new mindset I’m forming. Life IS NOT POINTLESS. Simply because I say so. Bam.
I am really glad it’s Friday. Holy shit.
Sitting at work. Multitasking between typing thoughts and doing work stuffs. I’ll finish up a few assignments maybe during work/ immediately after work. I can do laundry this afternoon, and I might take myself to Stone Mountain for some alone time with nature as well. I’ll either do this today, tomorrow, Sunday or any combination of these. I will probably go to a party tonight for the sake of interaction with other human beings that I admire. Social life is important. I am human. And that is okay.
Despite how easily my family makes me feel like shit, I’ll be actually spending time with them for once. And this is also important. I can handle low quantities. My sister’s having dinner at her place on Sunday. I have not actually interacted with anyone in my family in.. weeks? (Aside from my mother last night). I don’t remember. Life has been too busy and blurry.
It will still be busy, but I’m just trying to make it less blurry now.
I guess by now suicide is just weird to me…
My mother got into a car accident yesterday, hurt her chest, refuses to go to the hospital. Her car’s totaled.
Her boyfriend left her. Again. Took “the TV, THE KEYBOARD AND THE MOUSE.” He left her a note, saying something along the lines of, “Your mind is your biggest enemy. If you ever get help in the future, let me know.”
There was more to it than that, but details are unnecessary.
I heard about all of this in texts from my sister right before my history test, which I had been preparing for from morning to night the day before and from morning until the test (day of… test in the evening). The texts were something along the lines of, “She got in a wreck. Her car is totaled. Steve left her. She’s being suicidal.”
Automatically, my heart jumped and I stopped in the middle of a staircase and allowed tears to well up in my eyes. I stopped myself quickly. My response, “Not what I needed to hear right before this exam… I’ll call after class.” I walked around campus, clearing my head. Bought myself a snack. Sat down and meditated for a bit and then headed to my class early, where other classmates already were.
Something weird in me snapped into place. I was very talkative with these people suddenly. I sat down and looked at everyone, threw a list of terms at a classmate, and said, “Everyone should just start spewing information for this exam.” And then it got entertaining, and we all started bouncing facts off of each other and making jokes. Conversation quickly got averted into other things, but just talking to these people seemed to help me feel less like I was about to curl up into a hole to die. I was so tired at that point in the day, exhausted from the amount of work I had crammed into the two days leading up to this exam. I was just really proud of whatever I had just done to get myself back on track and contain myself for the next 3 hours left of school.
I’m fairly certain that I aced the exam. Which is an amazing feeling because most people argued that it was very difficult.
I left the class and then soon came back for my next class. (My last two classes are in the same room). Justin, a guy that is in the same last two classes with me was in there too, and it was just him, seeming to meditate. I sat down in my seat, and asked, “Meditating?”
- “Yeah. Well, trying to. I don’t think I know how to.”
me: It helps. I tend to do it from time to time. It gets easier with practice.
I like Justin a lot. He has long, dirty blonde hair that he pulls back into a pony tail, tends to wear button-ups and sweater vests, glasses. Slightly larger build, but not necessarily fat. Seems to be starting to bald. He’s 21. He speaks a lot in class, and I always enjoy what he has to say because he seems to be very intelligent.
We tend to exchange comments and looks throughout class, which is entertaining. The looks tend to be responses to things said in class, especially in literature. There are a lot of people in there with much different perspectives on things, and I’d say his opinions tie at least the closest to mine, based off of what he says, so that is somewhat comforting to me. I just appreciate his existence in my school life. I am simply glad that I get to share class time with an intelligent individual like him. Especially at my college… dear god.
After classes were over, I checked my phone again. More texts from my sister about my mom. My sister dropped her off at her house. She had been crying and screaming for hours. I got into my car and headed over to her house.
Her eyes were pink and the puffiest I had ever seen on anyone. She looked sick. Almost zombie-like. She was trembling, still crying, but somewhat calmed down, compared to what my sister had been describing. She read me the note from Steve, explained what happened. Made it sound like the car crash was a suicide attempt… I am honestly not sure. She did say that she wished it had killed her.
She ran into a FedEx truck on I-285. She explained the shock she felt, and how she just wanted life to end.
She kept saying, “I’m so smart. I see things. I DON’T NEED HELP. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. I DON’T LIVE IN A FALSE REALITY. I CAN’T TRUST ANYONE. ALL MEN ARE EVIL.”
I talked to her calmly. I have gotten so much better at handling this type of situation, I’d say. This just felt so familiar. I have seen her like this so many times. She was yelling and groaning incomprehensible phrases, limping around her house, yelling, “IT HURTS” and “HELP,” which, after repeating it over and over, started sounding like “HAAAAAAW… HOOOOO, HUUUUUGH.”
I said a lot to her. And I think she was listening. I think she admired the things I said, but I don’t think she’ll ever really pull through. I really don’t know.
I explained how, yes, she is very smart. She has been through a lot. She is a very emotional person and not easy to love. It takes a very specific kind of person to be able to stick around someone like her. I told her that Steve has a lot of his own problems that are incomparable to hers, no where near similar to hers, and he left because he doesn’t feel like he can solve his own in that kind of environment. He has no idea how to help her. He has no idea how to help himself, either.
I pointed out that, yes, life seems extremely pointless. It is, is really is. That is why people make up things to believe in. That is why it is so important to just convince yourself that you have things to live for. I told her how I have become my own best friend.
She said, “I wish I could do that… but I can’t.”
When I find it hard to relate to others, I find myself enjoying my own company. I find reasons to want to be my own best friend, and that is what drives me into being a very successful human being. That is what makes me love myself.
She asked me, shocked, “Who told you all of that?”
I laughed and said, “no one.”
I kept telling her to look above everything from a higher perspective. She kept apologizing for how much of a burden she is, how hard she has made my life. How sorry she is that she brought me into this world. I kept laughing, amused at this and how many times I’ve heard it. I have forgiven her. There is not one single reason she should be apologizing to me for anything.
After a while of her listening to me, she started yelling and screaming again, in pain. “HOW COULD SOMEONE SAY THEY LOVE YOU AND THEN JUST LEAVE?” “HOW CAN I TRUST ANYONE AGAIN? WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?”
I felt like I said enough to her, and I only hope that she might take these words seriously. I told her, “I want to help you. Everyone wants to help you. But no one ever has been able to. You are not as alone as you think you are.”
She was still yelling, “Suzanne, please leave. I don’t want you to see me like this anymore. I can’t control it. I can’t. I can’t.”
So I got up and headed to the door, kind of blankly. She stood in a doorway to a hall, and I looked back at her. She was calm and looked like a sad, washed up creature of some sort. Quietly, she said, “Go home to your dad and Jackie. They will take care of you. If anything happens, I loved you.. I really love you. I’m sorry. I just don’t want to be here anymore.”
I suddenly felt emotions again. All that time, I had been holding myself together. I went over to her and held her for a minute. It felt strange. She was sobbing into my shoulder. I never hug my mom. I stopped when I was little when I used to try comforting her when she was crying and screaming in the middle of almost every night and realized that it never made a difference.
I kind of cried too, but barely. One tear rolled down my cheek, and then I stopped. I let go, she went into a different room to continue yelling. I quietly left.
Drowning drowning drowning.
He’s in Chicago.
I have at least 5-6 hours worth more of homework to do. Been working consistently on it throughout the day, including at work.
I need a breath.
I need to spend time outside this weekend. It’s achingly beautiful weather out there.
I need to see the sea soon, also. Maybe winter break. Maybe even sooner. I might even go alone.
Anonymous said: Make War. & The center of the world.
This isn’t happening, happening, happening,
Happening, happening. It is.